My quest to become a bit more like Russell Brand begins today

There are actually quite a few ways I’d like to be more like Russell Brand. 1): he’s written a really funny book. About himself. I want to write a funny book and, like Russell, the subject I’m most interested in is myself. 2) He’s got a lucrative stand up comedy career. I want one of those. 3) He’s engaged to Katy Perry. I don’t particularly want to be engaged to Katy Perry, but I do slightly want to be her, too. In my (slightly diseased) mind, I’m what would happen if a geneticist fused them together. Or if they’d had a child together 27 years ago.

Anyway: I’m not very like Russell Brand in daily life. I haven’t had sex with very many people. My hair is a lot shorter than his. I’m not a man. I’ve never introduced my drug dealer to Kylie Minogue. Etc etc. But a girl can dream.

My February resolution is to write in this blog every day and to become a little bit more like Russell in the process.  Whenever something rubbish happens, I’ll think ‘what would Russell do?’ Rubbish stuff happens to him all the time! And it’s mostly his fault! But he’s managed to make himself rich and famous by being slightly disastrous in a comic fashion! He’s my hero.

Moir and Moir offensive

So, on Friday Jan Moir published a heinously offensive column in the Daily Mail. I’ll write more about that later, but someone on Twitter asked to see the response I got from the Managing Editor’s office after I’d emailed to complain about the article. It doesn’t actually address the content of my original email, and, of course, there’s no apology.

Here it is:

“Thank you for your correspondence re the Jan Moir article. We welcome feedback – whether positive or negative – about the paper and our writers. Our Columnists’ views have prompted a widespread response and debate. You may also be interested in the column by Janet Street-Porter in today’s edition.

Thank you for taking the trouble to send us your own point of view.

Your sincerely,

Managing editor’s office”

Inspiration from dreams…?

Last night I dreamed that Ricky Gervais was Hitler, and I was his personal secretary.

It was a terrifying dream, but I thought Ricky Gervais as Hitler was inspired casting. Well done, subconscious!

I also dreamed that we had a new Labour leader. That was a lovely dream. Not true, alas.

Anyway – my subconscious is much more interesting than my conscious at times. The plots of my dreams are so brilliant, but the plots I come up with for books aren’t quite as exciting (or rather, bizarre). Maybe I should go out on a limb a bit more…

Like everyone else who’s ever worked in publishing, I’ve decided that the obvious way to become rich and famous is to write a novel. Clearly, my novel is going to be effortless to write and amazing to read, and I’ll have no problem finding an agent or a publisher. In a few years, my novel will probably also become a hit movie. My plan CANNOT FAIL.

Only trouble is, I haven’t written anything yet. Not entirely sure where to start with this writing malarky. Some background: I am actually a professional writer. I write children’s books for a publishing company. But I’d really like to write my own stuff. Preferably funny stuff, or romantic stuff. Really, I’d like to write like Hanif Kureishi or Sarah Waters. Or a strange, mutant combination of the two.

So, I’ll be charting my progress in this blog.

I might be writing about dancing and lesbianism, too, seeing as I’m interested in those. Might put them into my best-selling novel. WHO KNOWS?